Pecan Pie

Social Anxiety from the South

A Belated Valentine

Last weekend, the weekend before Valentine’s Day, Jim and I took the kids to the park.

Last weekend, my patience, of which I seem to have very little lately, ran out.

And so, last weekend, on Sunday, I lost control of my temper and effectively ruined a day that may have been salvaged-if only in my head-had I been able to keep my cool.

I am not a patient person and when it comes to children, I often wonder why I was allowed to have one.  I care for little people very, very much, but being the primary care-giver to more than one is a daunting task and sometimes, even when I am not the primary care-giver I freak out in a way that is abhorrent to my uber-liberal wanna be crunch factory sensibilities.  I don’t spank my kid, but I yell a lot and well, when kids whine, it’s like nails on a chalkboard play Beethoven because that’s what I’d rather listen to than their squeaky unappreciative little bitch fests.

In my life, I have dated guys that wished they could figure me out.  The smart ones called my mother to beg for advice when my anxiety reached it’s boiling point and they couldn’t do anything but avoid the explosion.  The dumb ones exploded too,  or left.  Mostly they left.

And so, I have multiple reasons to fear abandonment (thank you Freud, Bob I hate psychoanalysis) and when the shit hits the fan I tend to freak out more, like, maybe, when I’m asked to leave because I have flipped out, I dip into the Seventh Circle of hell and make things infinitely worse.  And I have to leave anyway.

Sunday was bad.  Monday was worse.  I hate the feeling of eggshell walking around my best friend.

On Tuesday, my best friend was deciding on a Valentine’s Day gift that generally represents a different type of relationship than we have.  He chose a medium that represents the kind of relationship we do have and by doing so reminded me that my friend, who happens to also be my Valentine, is committed to our relationship just how it works for us.

During that day, on Tuesday, while he was doing this, I was worrying about the fate of our relationship and wondering if I had done the irreparable.

On Saturday, I got reassurance.  Like the best kind of sparkly reassurance evar.

I hope this doesn’t like, embarrass him or anything.  I just want it to be known that I get it when I’m wrong and I get it when I’m wrong not to trust the right thing and wind up listening to my inner Golem instead.

Those of you who hate teh squish, get over it for this one.

ETA: For those asking, no it was not a ring, which is sort of the point.  It looks like this and goes on my Pandora bracelet.

Written by thelittlepecan

February 15, 2011 at 9:49 pm

9 Responses

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  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Alana (aka Pecan), Alana (aka Pecan). Alana (aka Pecan) said: A Belated Valentine: […]

  2. Well, I think it’s absolutely true some people should not have kids. Unfortunately, most of them (myself included) don’t fully understand that until it’s too late and they are freaking here. However, you are a way better person than I am on so many levels, so I have no doubt the boy will turn out fine in the end, provided you survive bringing him up, of course.

    Congrats on the giftie. Buffy gave me a pile of barf in the hall.


    February 15, 2011 at 9:59 pm

    • Such a sweet fur-child. I’m sure you are very proud.


      February 15, 2011 at 10:01 pm

      • You know it.


        February 15, 2011 at 10:18 pm

  3. So are you saying you got a sparkly something – one that goes on a finger?? I think this post needs a picture at the end of it. 🙂


    February 15, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    • Not on a finger. It’s a charm for my bracelet. We’re not ever going the route of diamond rings…and I think that’s why this is so important. Because it represents a different type of commitment. One that’s more about love and friendship than about marriage and family.


      February 15, 2011 at 10:01 pm

      • :o) That’s the sort of thing that if Meg got one, I would eye it covetously, and remind her she knows exactly what to do with it when, er, if it ever breaks.


        February 15, 2011 at 10:17 pm

        • I think a charm bracelet would be dangerous for you. All kind of neato miniatures that you could disassemble for your crazy crafty doings.


          February 15, 2011 at 10:33 pm

          • No Monopoly game is ever safe around me, either.


            February 15, 2011 at 11:56 pm

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