Pecan Pie

Social Anxiety from the South

I’m So Embarrassed

The MOST embarrassing thing.

Of your WHOLE.ENTIRE.LIFE.

 

What story would it be?

Sometimes it seems my story is a continuing novel series, I embarrass myself so often.

But, I stubled upon “Lady Gaga”: Inside the Outside and I kept on watching when she started talking about her classical piano training.  I can relate to that.  I have that.

 

Then she started talking about her most embarrassing moment.  The one where you finally realize they don’t really like you.  She got thrown in a garbage can on a corner after school where the whole class could see.

 

I have a story like that too.

I think I was 12.  Maybe 13. I don’t think I’d started highschool yet because we were still actively attending church at the Ephesus Baptist Church in Winston, GA.  Most churches feed from the local schools.  Occasionally members stay or come no matter where they move to or from and so we had girls in our youth group who weren’t from Fairplay or Alexander.  They were from the other side of the county.  I think they were mean girls.  I wanted to be included, but now, I just think they were mean girls.  The mean girls were always paired up with the older guys in the group.

 

We went on a camping retreat at a 4-H campsite.  You know, cabins with bunk beds and all that.  The first night we’re all hanging out, I’m feeling mostly like I’m fitting in when one of the guys passes me a 2 liter bottle of orange Sunkist soda.  I drink some like (I think) everyone else is doing.

 

A few minutes later, someone pulls me aside.  I think it was Cathy, but I can’t be sure, I mean, this is 20 years almost we’re talking.  “Alana, I think…I think you might be sick or you might will be sick.”

“What? Why?”

“Those boys are saying they pissed in that soda…and gave it to you to drink.”

 

I didn’t know if I should go back and accuse them.  I was red, like fire.  My ears were hot.  I wanted to cry but was afraid if I did it would be worse.

I went back to my bunk and crawled in.  I especially was worried that I would get sick…leading to more embarrassment than I could handle.  Someone said something about not being a crybaby.  I think I yelled out that someone, anyone could have spoken up.

 

I put my heart into that youth group.  That whole church really.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything close to that kind of embarrassment.  My middle school years were full of fitting in while not ever fitting in, either in school or in church.  I never much blamed the church.  I blamed the piss-poor youth leaders who didn’t lead much of anything except the opposite of love and compassion.

*smh*

I dunno, I just wanted to put this out there, I guess.

The youth group, even some of the adults, called me “Sunkist” off and on for the rest of the time we were members there.   Actually, I think my letter is still there.

 

So.  Yeah.  There’s my bully story.

The End.

Written by thelittlepecan

May 29, 2011 at 12:19 am

Posted in atheism

8 Responses

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  1. […] a lot of other really shitty things, but it’s community. It’s belonging; sometimes…it’s not belonging at all. But…even when you don’t belong, you […]

  2. So in middle school the P.E. class used to collect Kroger receipts from the children as part of a fund raising program for the school. In exchange, the teachers would give you one Jolly Rancher per receipts.

    I had saved up a whole jar of receipts and turned them in toward the end of the semester. The coach told me to wait for him to count through it all, and that he would give me the candy later.

    During roll call he came out and from 40 ft he lobbed a brown paper bag full of the candy right at me. I suppose that had I not been a particularly clumsy child that it would have been easy to catch. As it was, it bounced off my hand and spilled everywhere.

    There were three different classes gathered in the gym for roll call, so there were about a hundred children laughing at me. All I could do was shamefully gather what was left of my candy, as several kids were palming it as fast as they could, and run back to the changing room to put it away. Many were still snickering by the time a walked back, my eyes glued to the floor.

    When the class was over and it was time to change our clothes, I found that the remainder of my candy had also been stolen. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I didn’t even say anything and just left.

    Adam Jones

    June 2, 2011 at 1:44 am

    • Oh, Adam. I don’t even know what to say. Middle school was hell on earth.

      thelittlepecan

      June 3, 2011 at 11:36 pm

  3. I have a really embarrassing memory…I developed pretty early and when I was in the 6th grade all the kids thought I stuffed my bra. This one time we had a fun run thing we had to participate in. They had a little water table where you could get water while you were running. Well this one boy got a water and threw it right on me-all down the front of my shirt. They were trying to see if I actually stuffed or not. Turns out I wasn’t… I think that was the most embarrassing moment in my life thus far.

    Jenn

    May 29, 2011 at 10:55 am

  4. I have a lot memories of the so-called good christian kids clustering around in the hallways or on the playground of the church to bully me, or to once more make sure I understood how much I didn’t fit in in other ways, in groups or smaller one-or-two on one incidents. Often they were still clutching a church bulletin or the paper we colored or project we made in Sunday School with god’s little lesson for us still clutched in one hand. Adults were often nearby, but they were either so intent on the vital southern Sunday after-church gossip orgy they never noticed a thing, or else it came to their attention but kids will be kids, they were just teasing, and if you weren’t so weird, they wouldn’t have to treat you like that.

    But wow. That’s beyond the pale. And honestly, I see where that would have happened to me easily, except I made sure to always get out of stuff like that whenever humanly possible. And when I couldn’t, I made sure to manipulate my mother into coming along (scout camp, school field trips for years) not because I was too close to her or anything, but because I needed a social shield I knew how to work for self-protection.

    Marie

    May 29, 2011 at 12:33 am

    • Or at least what self-protection I could get from it, considering. Better than nothing, though. And hell, on field trips to places. mom’s wallet along was a good thing, better than being given money and told that was enough. :pppp

      Marie

      May 29, 2011 at 12:35 am


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