Pecan Pie

Social Anxiety from the South

Archive for the ‘Universe’ Category

They Tried to Make Me Go to Rehab and Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough

You know what doesn’t survive a PhD?

What won’t survive alcoholism?
What won’t survive an out of control child?
What won’t survive a plague of trauma unexamined?

A marriage. That’s what.

I’m going to live tweet, live blog, live live the revolution of my heart. Where I learn to love myself and put the needs of my child and my soul and my body and my ambitions before anything or anyone else. It’s not their fault. I readily give others these permissions to expect things from me and there’s just no consent on what I expect in return. And now, here we are. The proverbial house on sinking sand.

It’s sad. I’m sad. Relationship loss and grief is every bit as awful as death. Maybe more so. But sobriety is life. It’s the only thing keeping me alive.

And if you don’t want to hear about that because I’m not amending the constitution of my life in the timeline you have determined, well, then that’s all right. I’ll still be moving on my own pace. I get that I have been undeniably, brutally, in many cases unforgivably, selfish in the past. I have so much guilt and shame about that, things I can never undo. But I will not be made to feel guilt for working through and toward sobriety at a speed dictated by anyone other than myself and the Universe.

I said yes, yes, yes. This is the outcome of that.

Written by thelittlepecan

April 30, 2017 at 10:42 pm

Puppy Manslaughter

I just had the horrifying experience of killing someone’s pet. A tiny chihuahua standing in the middle of Gloster Rd. Those of you who have been to my home know the one. It’s busy and barely safe to walk on for humans.

I didn’t see it until it was too late. I’m distraught, the owner comes and scoops up the poor puppy corpse and just repeats, “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Which of course it’s not.

All I can say is I’m sorry. I’m sorry over and over, tears streaming down my face.

No collar, no leash…actually comes with his other tiny dog without either and that dog almost runs in the road too. While a car passes illegally on a double yellow line.

I feel so terrible and really angry.

Protect your pets, people. That’s what you sign up for when you adopt one.

Written by thelittlepecan

July 27, 2013 at 12:10 pm

Posted in Universe

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Wow, it’s cold out there.   I was shaking and stumbling around in the dark, straining my neck to look up while simultaneously attempting not to break my ankle.  My hands were shaking inside my front pouch.   I put my hood up and tied my hair around front.  It’s just too damned cold out there.

It takes forever for my eyes to adjust to the night sky.  My grandparents have every light on in Bob’s creation upstairs so I’m straining and I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to be looking at.  Out of the corner of my eye I see this flicker, sort of looks like someone lit the tiniest match in the Universe and it burned out right away.

I think that’s what I was looking for.  I saw one and then two.  Then I got too cold and came back in.  Then back out.  I felt like if I didn’t go out, I’d be missing something special and so, yeah, back out.

They really just fall straight down, you know?

I’ll never, ever be as eloquent as Carl Sagan, but looking at these itty streaks of flame on a back drop of fire and ice and violence and beauty and everything we don’t know in the form of the smallest sliver of light pricking that big black canvas from so very far away…it really does make you feel small.

“I was given something wonderful, something that changed me forever… A vision… of the universe, that tells us, undeniably, how tiny, and insignificant and how… rare, and precious we all are! A vision that tells us that we belong to something that is greater than ourselves, that we are *not*, that none of us are alone! I wish… I… could share that… I wish, that everyone, if only for one… moment, could feel… that awe, and humility, and hope. But… That continues to be my wish.” Contact

I hope…

Written by thelittlepecan

December 14, 2010 at 1:57 am

Posted in Universe

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